I’m known for being a pit bull. I will argue and fight my point to the death. I’ve always thought that if something was wrong or if I’d been wronged in some way, I needed to scorch the earth. Announce to the heavens and the hells that I was hurt, angry, upset, sad etc To be on the opposite side of my emotional turmoil was a scary place to be. What I didn’t realize was that I was creating emotional turmoil for myself by wasting so much energy on displaying my emotions…in a very dramatic and often disrespectful way.
When my husband and I were dating and we would have a disagreement or if I believed he wasnt respecting me, the gates of Hades would open. It was usually cracked open by my yelling, screaming, and cussing. My mission wasn’t to resolve whatever the problem was but instead it was about displaying how angry I was. The fool in my knew no other way to show my emotions other than to scorch the earth..LOUDLY!!! For years, I swear we would have the same exact arguments because we simply didn’t know how to argue. He retreated like men often do, and I made it my mission to make him miserable in every way possible. This became my defense mechanism for everything in my life with the exception of my daughter and the students I worked with. Anyone else that pissed me off was fair game for a straight up and down cussing out. Now don’t get me wrong, some situations and some people are quite worthy of a good cussing out from time to time. Bitches have to know that you’re not a punk to be fucked with. Not every situation requires this action though.
The past few years I’ve found that I am in charge of my own inner peace, and inner peace is like a member of the royal family. You have to bow down to her, crown her, and sit her high on a throne because if not, she will straight bounce and the country aka your body and mind will be fucked up…royally. With all the things I have going, I simply can’t hand over my peace to anyone. It’s mine and I need it. Recently, I’ve been faced with issues with friends, and associates that have plucked at every single nerve to the point of an atomic explosion. Here’s the thing, think about what happens after an explosion…there’s lots of damage… some beyond repair, there’s big messes to clean up, and you’re left feeling drained. At this point in my life, nothing is worth that. Silence has become my new weapon of choice mostly because it stands guard and protects my peace. There’s a person in my life who I love beyond words…that friend is one of the few that I can share my thoughts, feelings, failures, hopes, and dreams with. I also can be petty and have fun with this friend and there’s no fear of judgement only fear of laughing my lashes off. Lately that friend hasn’t been very reliable. Reliability is EXTREMELY important to me as well as loyalty. For months this friend has dropped the ball massively and continuously by cancelling plans and obligations, half ass doing shit, coming up with these great ideas for projects and then cancelling at the last minute or forgetting all together and the list goes on and on. I pride myself in always being there for people. Even if it means I can’t be there myself, I’ll send a replacement. My friends are like family to me and you don’t let family down. I was very hurt by a text message this friend sent me once again bailing out on an important event. The thing that hurt the most was that she acted like it wasn’t a big deal at all, but it was a big deal. It was a huge fucking deal especially coming on the tail end of this friend being kinda a shitty friend. With all these recent situations, she didn’t seem to stop and think about rather her behavior was hurtful to me or not, and trust and believe each was hurtful. So hurtful in fact that my husband was ready to tell this friend off on my behalf numerous times. I didn’t want to argue with my friend nor express how hurt I was by the things she’d been doing or lack there of, I refused. I instead cut off all communication. Not to hurt her…not to prove a point but for my own peace of mind. The energy required to argue, fuss, and fight with her wasn’t about to be handed over. I wasn’t giving that up. Silence allowed me to focus on my daily life, businesses, projects, and other relationships. I guess you can look at silence as putting a bad situation in time out. That time give her the opportunity to reflect on our friendship over the course of a few weeks or month. She realized on her own without my cussing her out, finger pointing, acting out. She realized why I was upset with her…how she had treated our friendship all without my forcing the reality of the situation out of her. Most importantly, I didn’t allow my anger or need to announce to the world that I was angry overtake me. To often people claim that silence is ignoring a situation. Yeah, that’s exactly what it is. Use it to give yourself time to not over react and or ruin relationships and furniture lol Silence can be a powerful tool when used correctly and in the right situations. It is also beneficial in keeping your peace. No one nor thing is worth your peace.